Love and Money: How to Talk About Money with Your Partner

Money tends to be the most avoided subject in most relationships yet it’s a cornerstone of a successful relationship. Money has been one of the leading causes of stress in relationships probably because most couples consider it off-limits, a romance damper, or perhaps are just waiting for things to work themselves out.

Financial compatibility plays a huge role in the success of your relationship as money is going to impact how you live your life. Are you going on that vacation, buying a home, having kids, when and where to retire? Each of these things takes a considerable amount of financial planning and if you’re not on the same page or don’t share similar values money-wise it’s going to cause a lot of strain and stress and could determine the longevity of the relationship.

But what is financial compatibility? It certainly is not looking for a partner in the same financial standing as you. Or rejecting a potential partner because in your own eyes they don’t have enough money. It rather has much to do with their attitude towards money and money habits.

If you’re going to be comfortable at being physically naked with somebody you must also want to feel comfortable being financially naked. Talking about money can make us feel vulnerable but vulnerability is key to building a strong relationship with your significant other.

This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to show you how to treat your partner to a gift that may change your relationship for good--- the gift of talking about money in your relationship.

Here are 5 things you can do to improve your money talks:

 1.       Have an open mind

Listen with an open mind, be mindful of your emotions as well your partner’s emotions. Avoid talking over each other by trying not to interrupt them when speaking as this can result in frustration which will halt your attempt to talk about money. Try not to make the conversation accusatory rather keep it about how you feel about the issue at hand. Remember the words you use matter. Maintain eye contact to build a sense of trust.

2.       Agree to disagree

Agreeing to disagree is an actual communication skill. Sometimes you will not always agree with your partner’s money values and plans which can lead to frustration and resentment. Agreeing to disagree means both parties choose to accept the other person’s point of view on an issue without actually agreeing with it. Horning this skill will protect your relationship. Always check in with yourself on how you feel about the issue being discussed. This mindfulness practice will help you to not sound defensive and dismissive.

3.       DO NOT LIE

Financial infidelity is a real issue in relationships. A survey conducted in 2019 shows that 1 in 5 Canadians admit to keeping a secret about money or spending from their partners. For god’s sake DO. NOT. LIE about your financial behaviors. Hiding a poor credit score or debt or purchases creates more problems as your partner is less likely to trust anything else you say in the future.

4.       Talk about values and not just dollars

Money is more than what you spend on things like clothes, eating out, social events or lack of, etc. Attitude towards money is seen in things like the goals we set for ourselves. To determine your money values ask yourselves or start by asking each other this question – what is the purpose of money in your life? Everybody will have their unique list but some values include freedom, security, fun, happiness, making an impact, philanthropy, etc.

5.       Finance as a form of romance

Most couples perceive money talks as a romance damper. However, the vulnerability involved is a big part of intimacy – the fact that both of you are working together as a team, the messiness of trying to figure it out, the fact that you’re figuring your future together. Pouring a glass of wine during the budgeting process can get both of you relaxed and have fun with it.

How to talk about money with your partner

1.       Start slow

It can be safer to start talking about long-term financial goals which tend to be less sensitive. Things like when you want to retire, what kind of life you envision while retired. Next work on the more sensitive topics like debt both short-term debts like credit cards and long-term debts like mortgages. It gets easier once you’re all comfortable being financially vulnerable with each other.

2.       Be supportive and understanding

Nobody feels good about being criticized and judged. If your partner has social anxiety, being judged or criticized can make them feel attacked and not want to talk about money again. Speak with compassion and understanding to one another and this will create a safety zone where each one of you feels free to speak.

 Money conversations need to be an ongoing, dynamic and collaborative effort for you and your spouse. Your communication style, set up and comfort will evolve with time just like every other part of your relationship so embrace it and enjoy the process.

Got any questions? Need help regaining control of your finances? Talk to a TopSpin Finance money coach today.